Before I ever was married or had a family I had this idea in my head of what it was going to be like to have a family. It was magical. It was wonderful. And there was a lot of joy and laughter all the time. It was a fairy tale. And it was not very realistic.
I met my knight in shining armor and what could be better. Nothing. Right? Then we had our first child. And we were so happy. Until that little tiny bundle started screaming all the time. And some days I wondered what I had gotten myself into.
There have been many days over the past 17 1/2 years when I have questioned my decision to have a family. Of course those doubts usually float away almost as quickly as they come. I know in my heart that this is exactly what I was meant to do and where I was meant to be. There is so much joy. Happiness. Laughter. Smiles. And love. There are days that it really is a fairy tale.
Recently I have been really struggling with my seven year old daughter. She is a sweet and wonderful angel at school, on the bus, and at church. Almost as soon as she walks through the door she begins growling at everyone. Stomping her feet. Screaming bloody murder at them when things don't go her way. And throwing huge temper tantrums that I would expect from my 4 year old.
The mornings are unbelievably rough. I've tried so many different things to try to get her to be more pleasant and happy. I've played soft music. I've rubbed her back. I've snuggled with her. I talked calmly while she whines and gets angry at me. This morning after 25 minutes of trying desperately to get her to get dressed, I finally yelled.
I absolutely hate when this happens. As soon as I allow myself to give away my control, to the unseen evil one, I know I've made a mistake. I feel awful. And I dislike it.
This morning I ended up in tears. I want so badly for her to make good choices. I want her to be happy. And yet so many mornings have ended with me blowing my top and getting angry.
I've been pondering and praying daily about this. But this morning's prayers were different. I was desperate as I plead with my Heavenly Father for ideas. For solutions. For guidance and answers.
And when I was weighed down in my sorrow at allowing myself to make poor choices, I picked up my sleepy four year old and she sweetly said, "I missed you mommy," as she snuggled into my shoulder and sucked her thumb, while rubbing the edge of my t-shirt. And then I was reminded of the sweet blessings that come from having a family.
There are many blessed moments when it is like a fairy tale...for a short while. And it's those moments I cling to when I'm struggling to remember why I chose to be a mom. It's the good times that help us make it through the hard times.
A thought came to me after praying today. It was this: I should try to involve my 7 year old in helping me bake or cook. So, with Thanksgiving coming this week I think it's a perfect time to allow her to spend some time helping in the kitchen. I'm thankful for prayer and for a loving Father in Heaven who sends us guidance.
And so to start my day off with a bit of a boost I listened to Rachel Platten's Fight Song up loud while I did my planks. It helps me remember that I CAN DO THIS!!
Have a beautiful day!